Tears and a smile

Tears and a smile. Physiologically, both stem from the same source. It is why crying and laughing both result in the same feeling of relief. Socially, however, both are symbols of vastly different implications. For tears indicate vulnerability, while a smile represents confidence. Yet, both have the ability to be wielded expertly as dangerous weapons. And this has been proven in numerous settings -- the smile that wins customers; the tear that sways voters. In addition, cliche has it that a lady's tears are a man's greatest weakness. Similarly, Chinese saying warns of the smile that hides a dagger. It would thus seem that both tears and smiles possess immense influence upon human behaviour. But is either the more cruel?

Everywhere around the world, there is a common mantra that preparation for the worst rescues you from any harm that may come. This is summed up in what is more popularly known as Murphy's Law. Murphy's Law, in paraphrase, states that whatever bad you think can happen can indeed happen. But more pertinent to the issue at hand is the common business knowledge that a smile is paramount when dealing with customers. Everyone is taught that even if it does not grow from within the depths of your soul, you still have to force the smile. And to the smile-recipient, he knows that the smile is merely a gesture of courtesy. Today, the smile has become so rampant amidst social interactions that many people know how to react to one. With this intensive experience, it then follows that a smile that bears ill-intent would be more easily discerned. In fact, it would be situations lacking a smile that most people would feel uncomfortable in. For humans generally have a certain comfort zone that they are reluctant to step out of, and when faced with a new environment, would need time to adjust. Venturing into the other extreme of the smile, the tear would surely drive people into a markedly greater state of panic. They would shy away, react in anger or accede to every request of the crier. Because the tear is more rarely seen amongst normal lifestyles, people tend to react to it -- much more so than to the common smile. The tear thus seems to be the more potentially manipulative of the two.

And yet, if a baby receives constant attention from his parents, is he then a power-hungry being? No. Similarly, the tear is perhaps the more honest of the two. To accord to it the word of encouragement or perhaps a shoulder for support would only be fair. For the smile can and has been enhanced via oral cosmetic surgery. Many dentists even unabashedly advertise their services as providing you with the perfect smile. A neatly aligned row of white teeth peeking through widely parted lips have often exuded a definite sense of confidence. In addition, the truly ambitious have been known to spend hours in front of the mirror perfecting the smile. The curve of the lip, the squint of the eye, the amount of exposure of the teeth are but some of the considerations that they make. The smile -- it can be trained. But not so the tears. For there is nothing much you can enhance with tears. It is visually just a clear fluid. Even actors and actresses who seem to be able to cry on cue often attest to the greater ease when they recall a sad event in their lives. Still, it is true that one can induce tears by using certain stimulants like onions. However, the potential for enhancement of tears is still so minute that the mention of it seems incredulous in itself. And so, while the manipulative potential of tears are perhaps irrefutable, it is far more significant that it is the smile that is today being wielded with far more ambitious intent.

Of course, the small variety in crying makes it perfect for misinterpretation. Tears of immense sorrow or childish ones are not easily differentiated. What one person determines to be sad may not be deemed so by others. And so, when one cries, one treads the fine line between heroism and stupidity. Whoever decides which would do well to not mistake one for the other. One interpretation would lead to a concerned response; the other would lead to scorn. Essentially, if people are then able to master the tears the same way they have mastered the smile, then there is perhaps no difference to the potential for malice that both the smile and the tears bear.

Perhaps then, it is neither the smile nor the tear that is cruel. Perhaps, the only true cruel is the person who cries and smiles with ill intention...

2LT Clifton

You lived well.

Millions of people live their lives in pursuit of dreams.
You achieved yours.

Your tale ended gloriously.
In that, take pride.

Letters to her

I realise this is a little awkward, but I do not want to suffer another regret. It has been about 2 years. People are telling me to move on, that it is not worth it. And I would, if I could. Except that you cannot switch emotions on and off at will. I am sorry, but I still have not been able to get over you.

I have so many ways to write this that I cannot find the best way to put it down. But I am not doing this as a means of impressing you. It is selfish, at best. Because the burden is tiresome. I guess, in some strange way, this has been the most interesting 2+ years of my life. I have never felt so irrational, so vulnerable. I have never felt so jealous or sad. I have never felt so conflicted in my entire life.

And some day, I will look back at this entire episode of my life and laugh. Until then, I am a fool in love who cannot and does not want to fall out of it. I can probably quote a million cliches to describe how I feel about this entire predicament I am in. A million cliches that almost, but would never quite capture how it feels:

At times, I get terribly desperate. I would attempt to steal your complete attention for a while. It is very childish, like a little kid throwing a tantrum. And I often end up saying the most regrettable, foolish things. I end up doing idiotic stuff.

At other times, I get terribly depressed. I would look at the people around me and realise that any single one of them are much better companions than I would ever be. There is no point in me trying to win your heart if it means you have settle for less. I do not even like myself that much. I could never allow you to either. It is quite a paradox, a typical Jerome thinking-too-much idea. But it is the truth. And you know it, otherwise you would have told me already.

And then I would get confused, or conflicted. It would be a strange cocktail of extreme emotions, all vying to rise above the others. And I would question: Do I like you or do I like the memories of you? Is this a hormonal attraction or is this how love feels? Would I end up being abusive (for I am sure every couple starts off loving too)? Would we break up eventually? Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

And that does not even come close to painting the myriad of feelings that are jumbled at random.

For you inspire me. I know this sounds like a very strange compliment, but you do. You live life with such a passion for exploration and the outdoors. You are enthusiastic about whatever it is you do. You hold fast to what you believe in. And each time I see you, I feel like I can do anything. That indeed, the impossible is nothing. Additionally, your charming innocence and sweet demeanour makes you pretty much perfect.

And there a thousand things I could say, but 2+ years of emotions cannot be squeezed into one tiny blog post.

Simply put, I still love you. I am so sorry.

Plea

This is the official plea.

Someone help me...
I cannot get over her.
2.5 years of silent hope is killing me.
She is so perfect. I am not.

I look at her, and I see the person I must be to love her.
And I fall so far short.
Why do the others have it so easy?

I have tried placing my chances elsewhere,
But it never works like that.
I just end up looking for traces of her in the others.
It is foolish. It is stupid. It is not normal.

I desperately need help.
I am new at this game, and I am losing terribly.
Please?