Letters to her

I realise this is a little awkward, but I do not want to suffer another regret. It has been about 2 years. People are telling me to move on, that it is not worth it. And I would, if I could. Except that you cannot switch emotions on and off at will. I am sorry, but I still have not been able to get over you.

I have so many ways to write this that I cannot find the best way to put it down. But I am not doing this as a means of impressing you. It is selfish, at best. Because the burden is tiresome. I guess, in some strange way, this has been the most interesting 2+ years of my life. I have never felt so irrational, so vulnerable. I have never felt so jealous or sad. I have never felt so conflicted in my entire life.

And some day, I will look back at this entire episode of my life and laugh. Until then, I am a fool in love who cannot and does not want to fall out of it. I can probably quote a million cliches to describe how I feel about this entire predicament I am in. A million cliches that almost, but would never quite capture how it feels:

At times, I get terribly desperate. I would attempt to steal your complete attention for a while. It is very childish, like a little kid throwing a tantrum. And I often end up saying the most regrettable, foolish things. I end up doing idiotic stuff.

At other times, I get terribly depressed. I would look at the people around me and realise that any single one of them are much better companions than I would ever be. There is no point in me trying to win your heart if it means you have settle for less. I do not even like myself that much. I could never allow you to either. It is quite a paradox, a typical Jerome thinking-too-much idea. But it is the truth. And you know it, otherwise you would have told me already.

And then I would get confused, or conflicted. It would be a strange cocktail of extreme emotions, all vying to rise above the others. And I would question: Do I like you or do I like the memories of you? Is this a hormonal attraction or is this how love feels? Would I end up being abusive (for I am sure every couple starts off loving too)? Would we break up eventually? Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

And that does not even come close to painting the myriad of feelings that are jumbled at random.

For you inspire me. I know this sounds like a very strange compliment, but you do. You live life with such a passion for exploration and the outdoors. You are enthusiastic about whatever it is you do. You hold fast to what you believe in. And each time I see you, I feel like I can do anything. That indeed, the impossible is nothing. Additionally, your charming innocence and sweet demeanour makes you pretty much perfect.

And there a thousand things I could say, but 2+ years of emotions cannot be squeezed into one tiny blog post.

Simply put, I still love you. I am so sorry.