Reflect

I didn't realise it's been five years...

When it first happened, I was determined not to let it dictate my life. I've seen people who craft their entire life goals around a particular event in their lives. And I am deeply respectful of such passion, but I never felt that whatever happened was big enough to warrant it being a life-changing event. Plus, I recognised from then that I was still too young to settle.

And so I ran. For me, running away and running toward have always been the same. Africa, South Korea, TMSI, India, PhD... each of it teaching me different things; each of it nudging me into different spheres and experiences. Over time, I distanced myself and was in turn also distanced from people. I changed and was changed.

Initially, I tried racing along to keep up with the rest. Then I slowed down, and realised it didn't matter to the rest. But no matter. I've seen enough routes to know that I could just amble off on my own. I think all these random experiences taught me all that. What was an initial rage against letting that one incident dominate my life turned out to be a window that drove me toward such a diversity of experiences.

And so... it's been five years. And I know I've changed. I have this one big story, but I have many others to lean on too. I don't deny any of them, and yet I don't solely embrace any of it. The labels don't quite fit, and I think I'm thankful that I've been allowed to recognise that so early on.

I've stopped telling all to everyone who comes along -- I hope. I know I used to do it at the start, and it was tedious for everyone who drifted within close-enough proximity. I was learning to make friends again, I suppose. And I had so many poor, sputtering starts. I've come away with so many different lessons, and so many weird perspectives about life.

Still, I often think it necessary to come back every once in a while to look at the paths you've walked and taken. To recognise what you've done and how you have become who you are. Granted that the memories may fade and become restructured through hindsight, it is nevertheless important to reflect once in a while.