140908_2118

I wish you wouldn't expect everything to work out in a logical way that you'd understand. Sometimes, people just have a different way of thinking. Sometimes, there is no reason why people feel the way they feel.

I remember you used to be so full of passion and drive. You kept wanting to let us try new things and to explore. On the other hand, she kept wanting us to be careful and to take care. Perhaps in a way, my accident seemed to prove her right and to prove you wrong.

Really, it wasn't like that. I enjoyed every single thing that I had done. I was pushing myself quite hard, but oh the things that I did and achieved and got to see. So please don't put so much meaning on to the accident. I already struggle to make sense of it myself. It will be so much harder if I have to also mitigate what it meant to everyone else. I promise to try and keep it hidden within. Just don't take it too personally. It wasn't your fault. If anything, the fault was all mine. A fault I gladly take responsibility for.

To be fair, it is quite strange how she seems to have become very outward-reliant. She has started to form friendships and networks outside which now seem to be her pillar of support. I guess I understand then why you'd feel rather irritated--you feel less important to her now. I try to listen; I really do. I guess I can also see why my friends all get rather irritated when I tell them so much about my life. Even now, I am learning so much from you.

Again, symptoms of this emerged during the accident itself. I sometimes feel like things turned out this way because of how I dealt with things from the accident. I should have been a lot more aggressive, a lot more unreasonable, a lot more irrational. I should have let myself gotten a lot more angry, shouldn't I? Maybe if I had taken on all the anger and confusion, it wouldn't have been allowed to run stray and hack away at your relationship. I still wonder though--did I cause the cracks, or were they always already there?

I wish I knew how to help things. I feel as though I am old enough to rise up and repair this relationship though. But I really don't know how. I don't exactly excel in the maintenance of relationships myself.

I've heard her say that she doesn't really understand you so much as well. I see the clashes in character. You like to keep things, believing that they are still useful; she likes to keep things neat. It takes a lot of energy and strength to see the value in things, and it's understandable that people not accustomed to such a mental framework do not see such value so much. I know you try, and I know she tries. I also see how the tiny little compromises like these accumulate so rapidly.

She is outgoing and very helpful; you are more inward and retains that few close friends. She is aggressive and demands her way a lot; you quietly stay with the system and understand its workings. She flits about and jumps from activity to activity; you tend to be more committed to doing the same thing.

I think it's brilliant how you both fill what the other lacks. Perhaps it was this difference that first drew you toward each other. I hope this is just a normal cycle of disagreement, and that there will be a new equilibrium that is reached--the same way it has for the past 50+ years now. 

Something has worked well so far; I hope it stays that way! All the best then.