Prelude

Travelling alone has never frightened me so much.

It is not the fear of the uncertain or the fear that things don't work out as planned. Actually, that is quite exciting for me. 

[skips a lot of narrative build-up]

I think perhaps it is the silence that frightens me. When there is silence, the voices within are heard a lot louder. There may be things I have not yet come to terms with. I feel this nagging desire to give myself time to face it alone, to take myself away from all other responsibilities so that I do not get distracted from this fight. But then that over-describes the issue I'm sure.

And it all makes sense, somehow. My sheer desire to protect my friends from hurts that they might face might just stem from my inability to have dealt with mine. It is too easy to ignore the fight. You just take on lots and lots of projects and drown out the voices. There is no emotional immune system that fights on your behalf. It covers, and it suppresses. But it never deals with it for you. That's something only you can do for yourself.

And so there comes a time when your body fades away and you lose the energy to keep running away. Over time, the past must and will catch up. The only way to heal the scar is to deal with it. It is not to run away, to ignore it, or to forget about it. That's not ever really possible. Rather, you have to just be silent and let the voices loom a lot louder. Then you try to make peace. I expect it'd be a very unsettling, uncomfortable experience.

I think that's why I'm so frightened of travelling alone this time.