Hey

Hey. Are you free now? I need to talk to someone. My confidence is at an all-time low. I just need to know this: how would you describe me as a person?

Since young, I have been very wary of being arrogant. It was probably the environment that I was thrust into. Being in a gifted stream when I did not feel very special has the effect of a double-edged offense. On one hand, you are pressured to perform and on the other, the people who do not have the gifted label are jealous of you. I was hence very cautious not to be arrogant and aggravate the situation. I became very ruthless with myself.

Each time I ran myself to exhaustion, it was not out of obsession. The physical pain was a temporary but nevertheless very suitable distraction from the pain within.

It did not help that I rarely received encouragement. When people expect you to attain a certain achievement, success becomes very downplayed. It was impossible to surpass expectations and be happy about it. The only time I ever felt truly exhilarated was when our school name was announced as the winners of the National Patrol Camp. I do not want pity, but I desperately need some form of encouragement.

I do not think you noticed, but at the odac reunion, I was terribly quiet. There were even periods of time when I walked off and went to some place quiet. I half-expected someone to notice and come looking for me or maybe even realise something was wrong with me. But deep down, I knew that I was not that important. I was right.

I just need to know. It is getting terribly tiresome and painful. Is there anything admirable about me? Am I really the failure that I managed to convince myself I am?