Back?

I hate that I'm back here. This is like my outlet for things I cannot openly say. There is a certain image I try to portray; a side of me that I hope can inspire others to become better people. It isn't all that I am, and it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite sometimes.

You filter out the good from the bad and show people the good. Then you keep the bad for little spaces like this blog. Is that good for your mental/emotional well-being? I don't know. But what if those that I care about look to me for support... and then I fail them? What then?

I want to build them up so they can stand on their own. Stand on their own so they can walk away down their own path. Because when there is no one else left around, I suppose that is when I know it is safe to let myself finally break down.

But it's getting so difficult. I wonder if I'm starting to care less, or if I'm just less energetic than I used to be. I am tired. I'm actually starting to see death as a sort of reward for having lived a useful and worthwhile life. I can only hope that when that happens, I would have done enough so that parts of me continue to live on through others...

Recovery

It is easy for the body to recover. At least it knows what to recover back toward. At least there is a gauge for what "normal functionality" means, and so there is a measure for you to lean on. To see how far you've come; to be sure you're on the right track.

The mind? The emotions? There is no "normal". Perhaps some might think of it as a lovely, charming break-away from the world. I'd rather that I had been able to make that choice though. Instead of being pried away with the force that had been thrown my way.

I don't know if I'll ever get to have friends in the end. *Shrugs*... it's not my call anyway.