Useless

It is not like I wanted it this way. In this short 18 years, and especially this 2 - 3 years, I have lost over a thousand dollars. Each time it happened, I had a reason:

Perhaps it is a sort of repayment for all the songs that I had stolen.
It is a blessing to someone else. You have brought someone else happiness.
Yahweh is reminding me to remain detached from the world.
It is a sort of training: what happens if you lose your rifle?

And then I realised that everything I lost, I lost because I was trying to keep it well. I do not lose my pens or pencils, but I lose my handphones, my watch and my money. After a while, you wonder if you can be trusted with anything. You start to lose self-confidence in yourself, and this permeates throughout your entire life. And sometimes, it is not the lack of the item that hurts but the fact that you lost something. You are 18 years' old, you should know better than to leave your things lying around, but I do not. It is almost as if there is no escape from the fate of losing the items. Must everyone lose things in life? Then why do I lose so much?

Everything all adds up to complete hopelessness. It culminates into a statement of uselessness. If I had a choice, I would want it another way. No one would forgive me, especially not myself.