COP

I'm just recalling how I didn't proactively try to figure out what was happening with the lorry rental because I was also told not to worry. Which I thought meant that there were people helping me sort things out, but it really meant that worrying would hamper my recovery and so I shouldn't.

I recognise that it was entirely my oversight though. It was a really unexpected event, and especially unfair on the people around me who were willing to shoulder some of the burden in making sense of things. Still, it might not be entirely accurate to say that my actions occurred in complete isolation and in spite of the sentiments around me. So I suppose that's the lens I bring watching how the different parties try to navigate their way out of this. I was wondering I was unusually interested in the proceedings haha. I didn't sit through the 9hr A/B/C/D sessions though.

Reflect

I didn't realise it's been five years...

When it first happened, I was determined not to let it dictate my life. I've seen people who craft their entire life goals around a particular event in their lives. And I am deeply respectful of such passion, but I never felt that whatever happened was big enough to warrant it being a life-changing event. Plus, I recognised from then that I was still too young to settle.

And so I ran. For me, running away and running toward have always been the same. Africa, South Korea, TMSI, India, PhD... each of it teaching me different things; each of it nudging me into different spheres and experiences. Over time, I distanced myself and was in turn also distanced from people. I changed and was changed.

Initially, I tried racing along to keep up with the rest. Then I slowed down, and realised it didn't matter to the rest. But no matter. I've seen enough routes to know that I could just amble off on my own. I think all these random experiences taught me all that. What was an initial rage against letting that one incident dominate my life turned out to be a window that drove me toward such a diversity of experiences.

And so... it's been five years. And I know I've changed. I have this one big story, but I have many others to lean on too. I don't deny any of them, and yet I don't solely embrace any of it. The labels don't quite fit, and I think I'm thankful that I've been allowed to recognise that so early on.

I've stopped telling all to everyone who comes along -- I hope. I know I used to do it at the start, and it was tedious for everyone who drifted within close-enough proximity. I was learning to make friends again, I suppose. And I had so many poor, sputtering starts. I've come away with so many different lessons, and so many weird perspectives about life.

Still, I often think it necessary to come back every once in a while to look at the paths you've walked and taken. To recognise what you've done and how you have become who you are. Granted that the memories may fade and become restructured through hindsight, it is nevertheless important to reflect once in a while.

Models

I realise media-representation of people who have undergone trauma tend to fall under two categories--1) The hero who overcomes and becomes something more; 2) The villain who succumbs to his/her demons.

Sure. You might argue that it is only a movie and that surely people would be more mature than that. The thing is, the whole point of a trauma is that people are emotionally vulnerable. It'd be quite interesting if there were support groups for every single kind of trauma in the world. But then trauma-types vary from incident to incident, and so the support groups never provide a good fit.

In any case, you can expect that these people would still yearn for fellow empathisers. Yet, there is often none. That is typically good because no one should ever wish for pain to be more commonplace. That's how you turn toward 2).

The point, though, is that the only kind of "role model" that many of these people ever find would be through media representation. Yet, the media often expects them to become heroes (or villains). The truth, though, is that what many of these people need to achieve is a sense of anonymity. They need to appropriately suppress their demons and appear "normal". It is difficult when the media demands for them to become heroes. 

They will be! In that they have fought and survived. But it is often nothing close to getting cheers and public adulation. It is all an internal, thankless fight. Perhaps sometimes perpetually ongoing, to no end. 

Still, you can be a hero--if you scale down the pomp and pageantry attached to that concept. You see, others who get into similar trauma will look for role models. That is where you have to earn the right to be their hero. Fight to become that role model you wished you could have found. That is the best you can do to vindicate yourself of what happened.

Flowers

Bloomed again!

Pain

Something occurred to me... 

You know how they say pain warns us of danger? That's really the second step, and it's an extrapolation from its primary function. We often feel pain after the incident--after we cut our finger; we graze our knee; we burn ourselves. Pain therefore cannot a warning. Rather, it is a reminder. It is from here that we extrapolate forward and then consider it to provide a warning about future potential pain.

I guess then it makes a bit more sense for me now...