No escape

The Victoria School Speech Day is this Saturday (23rd July 2005). Sadly, the academic awards are only given out to those with an "O" Level raw score of no more than 8 -- I managed only a 9. Yet, I have managed to brush that minor setback aside simply by ignoring it, for no reason can justify the poor performance. Today, however, all the painful memories had been multiplied many-fold and flung back at me.

It was during an ODAC briefing of the month's activities and one external programme clashed with the VS Speech Day. Naturally, those involved voiced their concerns -- basically, that meant very other ex-VS student. Noticing that I was not one of those involved in this Speech Day, I was questioned. Upon receiving confirmation, the question-er replied with a streak of cacophony that I was a gep-er and should not have done so badly. Of course, the reply had been much shorter and sharper than the paraphrase that you now read.

The reply very suddenly slapped me, reminding me of the horrific reality that was society. Having been a gep-er, I had many perks that the rest of the student population did not. That was a fact -- one that the rest will not easily allow to pass. For four years, I had no need to face criticism in the eye. This was the first, and a painful memory it will be. Why did I not live up to the label? Why have I failed? That retort made me realise that all my life, I had been an under-achiever. In the first few years of my life, the schools I went to had relatively little academic standard, and achieving a good grade then seemed hardly impossible.

It was my venture into the gifted programme that first made me taste the bitter medicine of failing expectations. For 6 years, that had happened, and it was very easily blamed upon the difficulty of the gep examinations. In secondary 4, however, the grades still did not show any significant jump. They shattered the false reality that I had believed, that I was different from the rest in a good way. Perhaps, it was because of this that I studied very intensively for the preliminary examinations. It was probably also because of this that all sources of practice "O" Level questions had been exhausted long before the arrival of the "O" Levels itself.

In the "prelims", I missed the academic award by 1 point, achieving a meagre 10. Now, in the "O" Levels, their placement of my name upon that slip of paper outside the general office in Victoria School gave me a large beam of hope. Finally, perhaps, I could receive something for my academic achievements, for in VS, the only 2 areas in which I had not received any physical achievement is in the Track & Field and the academics arena. Yet, I still lost that chance.

Perhaps, I had received a wrong label. Perhaps I was never meant to be in the gep -- they just messed up my qualifications with come other deserving child. In the midyear examinations, too, I had an expectation, and I failed them terribly. I had set targets -- those, I failed too. I literally mugged for economics. Yet, I achieved a score even lower than mathematics, during which I was struck by exam anxiety. Economics was my only hope for an A in the midyear examinations, and it still is.

In fact, so catastrophic were my midyears that of the 4 main subjects, 3 of them, whose results I have already been made aware of, were below 50. So bad was it, that when the retort came, I realised that I had failed all my ex-classmates, my ex-teachers, and the reputation of the gep itself. So shocking was it that when the reply came, I broke down into silent tears. An E O O for mathematics, chemistry and economics respectively was hoped to have been more common than reality. In fact, I have one classmate who had A A A, and perhaps all others who definitely beat me in the subjects. The rest -- the mainstream -- has beaten me -- an apparent gep-er. What more can be said about my failure?

I hate the distinction, but today obviously made it clear that there was no escaping. I have made a reputation of failure. Yet, if ever, achieving a good grade would just be seen as gep-ish. I will not have achieved something, just lived up to it. There will never be an "exceeding of expectations" with me.

Thus, it is now understood that once labelled, we go through lives without that tag ever fading away. As for me, in the field of academics, there seems to be no way to step away and move into the paths of other more successful people. Yet, unlike via the blocked vision of the people, there is something more to this gep-ness that goes beyond academics. Hopefully, in these aspects, I have at least achieved a standard worthy of gep.